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Online dating: welcome to the shitshow

I have used several online dating apps and here's what I've learned:

  1. Men don't know how to take selfies. They are always shot from the bottom, the least flattering angle on the planet. Kudos to them for not using filters, but do you think you could shave or possibly comb your hair if you're trying to attract the love of your life?? And why are they always taken in the car? Don't even get me started on all the dead fish portraits.

  2. If you don't bother to write a profile, even a sentence or two, and you have just one lame-ass pic, I'm swiping left. This means you're just screwing around and not serious at all. Show some goddamn effort!

  3. There are a lot of scams. If the dude is an orthopedic surgeon "stuck" in Syria, or "works" for the State Department but is fabulously wealthy, he (or she!) is some bogus scumbag in a boiler room somewhere on the hunt for suckers.

  4. Bone up on your conversation skills. If you can't hold a text conversation, what makes you think I'm going to enjoy actually speaking with you? Yeah, yeah, some folks are bad at texting and all that, but if that's the case, then piss off anyway. I can't deal. I have had more online conversations go nowhere than I care to recall. They go something like this -- Him: Hi there. Me: Hi. Him: How are you? Me: Fine, and you? Him: Fine. And there you have it! Fini. Now, maybe 45 percent of the time, this is how it goes, and if I'm truly interested, I'll come back with a question and try to keep the ball moving. Every now and then I'll gain some traction. But once again, show some goddamn effort!

  5. Don't suggest that our first meeting be at a sports bar until you've assessed my tastes and preferences. This gal is not sports bar material. Yes, occasionally I go to a sports bar and have a good time, but not on a first date. Let's get on our A game, people! I don't want to get to know you while 100 yahoos hoot and holler at the five dozen giant TV screens around the place and ogle the servers.

  6. There are nice, normal, good people online. Hell, I'm one of them! But you have to weed through the dreck to find them, and possibly get a finger blister from all the freaking swiping. But don't give up hope if you've decided to go this route. It takes a honed instinct and patience, but then again, doesn't any kind of dating require that?


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